One Of The Biggest Mistakes Men Make When Trying To Pickup Women – Managing Your Spotlight

I’m going to tell you about something called Managing Your Spotlight. It’s actually sort of related to the WaCHo technique (one of my other techniques you can find at or on Google), so makes a good follow-up technique for you to learn.

When you’re talking to a girl, your ‘spotlight’ is on her. Your spotlight is your attention, concentration, focus and awareness. When she’s talking to you, her spotlight is on you. However, most men don’t know how to properly manage and use their spotlights when they’re out in the big wide world. The first mistake they make is focusing their spotlight on attractive women more than their own male friends, who they’ve probably known for years.

When they do this, women notice it and flag them as socially dangerous and undesirable. They do this because they know that a guy who has his spotlight focussed on women he doesn’t know more often and more intently than his own male and female friends who he does know, is only after one thing. And they don’t like that.

So that’s the first mistake guys make when it comes to managing their spotlight, or attention and conversational focus. Their next mistake is focusing their spotlight on the girl they’re trying to pick-up more than her friends, who they aren’t interested in attracting. Again, women notice this and don’t like it. They don’t like it because they see that they’ve been selected as the easiest prey and that makes them feel powerless.

Here’s how to properly manage your spotlight. First, don’t pay women any more attention than your friends until they’ve earned it. Second, don’t focus your spotlight on one girl much more heavily than all the others, again, until she’s earned it. By ‘earning it’, I mean she needs to show interest in you in the way she speaks and the body language she displays. When she’s flirting with you WITHOUT you having flirted with her first, you know she’s earned a little more of your spotlight.

By learning spotlight management, otherwise known as handling attention and affection ratios, you’re able to constantly appear to be a high ranking individual, and one women will flock to be around and associated with.

Women Managers As Communicators

There is widespread acceptance of the notion that we humans communicate in four main channels. These channels are the visual, verbal, cognitive and experiential ways we have of taking in the world around us, organizing our perceptions, and communicating to others. Thanks to Neuro Linguistic Psychology (NLP) we all have the opportunity to reflect on what this means for our daily interaction with others. Women in management may find this set of insights particularly useful for a quick assessment of what is happening in their shop.

The stereotype of women is that they feel while men analyze. Based on this assumption men are presumed to be the better commanders in battle and the more desirable candidates for top management positions. CEO’s, after all, need to be free of emotion that could cloud their judgment. The implication is that women are not free of emotion that could cloud their judgment. The stereotype forgets to mention that because men in high places often try to “not be emotional” they stuff their feelings. This simply means that they are emotional but operate blind to feeling – more accurately, numb to feeling. Those who are not aware of their own emotions are at the mercy of their emotions, and thereby put everyone else at the mercy of emotion-driven decisions by leaders and managers who claim not to be emotional.

All of us operate verbally, visually, experientially and cognitively even though most people have a preferred or favorite channel. For persons in management to be in tune with their workforce it is helpful to be versatile in all four modes. The workforce will be made up of people who communicate in their preferred modes, especially about important matters. As the leader, if you only “listen” in your mode you will not connect with very many of those you lead. You will be perceived as controlling and giving orders but as not very good at listening. The work force will peg you as not interested in them. You will never be liked, trusted or respected.

o Visuals “give the picture” when communicating. They like to give their boss the picture. It is not the actual words but “the picture” conveyed by words that it important. Visuals are very good at taking in the entire situation and seeing where it will lead. Projections based on all the known information are a frequent strength of visuals.

o Verbals need to talk it out. They only feel connected when there is conversation. They need to talk to their boss and their subordinates, frequently. Meetings, therefore, are very important to them for fostering teamwork.

o Cognitives trade in data and like to analyze. They put thought into their work and into any suggestions they might have for the boss. They do not like to have a boss who is not logical. They especially do not like for the boss to be unreasonable. And they expect thoughtful, objective work from their subordinates.

o Feelers value experience and are put off when what they are experiencing is not considered significant. Feelers worry about how the boss and fellow workers are feeling.

So: with regard to being a woman in management, it makes no difference that you are a woman and not a man. We are all communicators and the same principles of communication apply equally. Forget about the stereotypes. Focus on how those around you are communicating and build up your listening skills.

Smart Dating Tips For Women – Manage Your Emotional Upsets!

Almost all upsets are externally triggered, but internally driven. So it’s not what happens to you that matters. It’s how you choose to respond that is important.

The following are questions to help you get a better handle on your emotions whenever adversity or stress causes you to want to lash back unwisely:

o How small is this act in the grand scheme of life?

A cardiologist was once asked for his advice for reducing the stress that leads to strokes and heart attacks. He replied, “Rule #1: Don’t sweat the small stuff. Rule #2: It’s all small stuff.” We often have to be reminded about how small our personal worries can be in comparison to the bigger issues of life. At the same time, realize that life is too short to be wasting your major energies on minor issues. Whenever you’re faced with a potential argument, shrink it down to size by contrasting it with the more important issues of your life.

o Will this really matter much a year from now?

What seems significant in the moment may in fact be minor in retrospect. If you move ahead in time and look back on today, you may be able to regain your perspective on the current issue. You could find that once again you’re faced with a situation where you have put too much emotion on too minor a subject. By adding the time perspective of one year, you may be able to shrink the intensity of the current issue under debate.

o What have you respected, liked, trusted, or admired about this person in the past?

Sometimes you have to be reminded of what is great about the person you’re dealing with. That way, you can realize that they’re not all bad, and might even be wonderful. We’re all guilty of doing or saying stupid things. It’s smart to give those we’ve appreciated in the past an occasional break for minor screw-ups.

o Was this act really intended to harm you?

If you want to protect yourself from the actions and opinions of others, realize this fact immediately: People do things first and foremost for their own benefit. Also understand that what’s important or real to you may not be the same for someone else. Therefore, expect people to choose the quickest, easiest, or least painful pathway in order to gain pleasure or avoid pain. Rarely is an act intentionally meant to harm another person. It could just be that there is some kind of benefit for the one who is behind it. Remember that in almost all cases, men have no intentions of causing a woman they love any kind of real suffering.

o Does this kind of thing happen all of the time?

Repeated intentional acts of meanness should be promptly reprimanded, but an occasional mess-up should be given a temporary pass. Even when things do happen repeatedly, it may still be wise to refrain from saying the trigger phrase, “You always do that!” If you want to prevent your disagreements from escalating out of control, be sure to measure the frequency of an unpleasant act accurately.

o What is the other side of the story?

There’s a saying that goes, “No matter how thin you slice it, there are always two sides.” In order to handle any kind of problem, it’s important to gather all of the facts first. That way, you can acquire an understanding of the other side of the conflict. If you can’t find that opposing perspective, delay your judgments and avoid jumping to conclusions. Hear out the other person so that you have a chance to evaluate the situation with more precision and respond in ways that demonstrate your increasing emotional maturity.

o How could this act be appropriate or even useful?

As wise and caring adults, we shouldn’t react or respond hostilely when someone’s actions are not intentional, excessive, and inappropriate for the situation at hand. And if we can see a long-term benefit from a short-term setback, we are able to convert the negatives we receive into positives. When there is indeed a real problem related to their actions, just make your perspective and needs clear to them in a cooperative manner.

o How can you vent the anger in a more constructive way?

Emotional upsets are stored in our physical bodies where they can linger and destroy our health. We can release this damaging physical and emotional tension constructively by exercising or talking with a caring friend. The alternative is to vent your anger in unhealthy ways like drinking alcohol, overeating, or verbally bashing others. A better way to handle your upsets is to change your mental focus by doing something that you enjoy like shopping, reading, or watching a movie. Another way to vent is to delay your reactions until cooler heads can prevail. Realize that you have many choices to release your tensions, some of which are healthier for you than others. By being in a better state of mind and body, you’ll handle your challenges with other people more effectively.

o What could be funny about this?

A creative alternative for handling upsets is to find the humor in an otherwise serious situation. If you’re really good at this, you accomplish three vital things: (1) you break your pattern of physiology by putting a smile on your face and a spark of joy in your eyes, (2) you change your voice tones and breathing patterns by laughing out loud, and (3) you change the words you use by referring to the situation from that point forward as being either funny, ridiculous, outrageous, hilarious, silly, or stupid. One trick that I often use when faced with a tough challenge is to ask out loud, “Am I on freaking Candid Camera or what?”

By managing your upsets, you’ll be able to prevent resentment from eating away at the love that you’ve worked so hard to enjoy. This process begins with a firm commitment on your part to respond in an emotionally mature manner instead of reacting foolishly.


Dating sucks when you have no control of your negative emotions and you gradually destroy the things you cherish so much in your love life. But dating rocks when you get a firm grip on your upsets and grow as a person who is deserving of respect, admiration, trust, and love.